Seeking…Destiny

Pain in my heart, suffering in my spirit. My mind is screaming inside my head, so loudly, and I’m wondering why no one can hear it. Does it show on my countenance? 

I’m trying to face the despair, with hope fluttering in the forefront of my consciousness. Yet, even this action gets me nowhere, so why does it seem like the hope has fled?


I’m so miserable, but without any apparent reason. Why can my joy be stolen so easily? I didn’t use to be so sad. I guess I was a happy person at one time, but now it’s hard to find even a single reason to smile. I’m breathing. I’m alive. That’s two reasons to be happy right there. I pray for guidance, to help me out of this spiritual rut in my life. 


I’m smothering under the weight of this torment, unable to feel whole even though I don’t really have anything to complain about. 


I need to be thankful for what I have, and not let the sadness surround me like a thick, impenetrable shell. It’s my last defense around my heart. 


I need something more than just this. This is not what my life was meant to be. I was created for a greater purpose than this meaningless existence, but when will I realize this?


How can I even face each day, when the ones before it haven’t meant anything? I want a true purpose, a defining moment to guide me toward my destiny. Where will I find that?


My eyes are closed, and I’m walking in total darkness, shocked by the fact that I’m not running into my metaphorical brick wall. Maybe I’ll just wander around until my purpose finds me. It can’t be too far away. Surely, it’s coming faster than I can see. I only hope that when it finds me, I’m not already so far gone that it won’t matter when it does. 

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Untitled Poem

Untitled Poem 

My joy has been restored. Locked up tight in my heart. 


Yet I’m still searching for my reward. I don’t think I need one. So where is the best place to start?


Do my dreams still matter to me? I hope so. What else do I have to fight for? 


My brain is disengaged, at least that’s how it seems. 


My spirit is no longer enraged. So now I just need to find my inner motivation. 


Where is my self-loathing? It’s gone! Finally. 


Now, the time has come to try again. Be my own friend. I’m no longer lonely. Now if only…


I wasn’t so worried, about what my life will be. My mind is alert now, seeking a reprieve from the misery that used to engulf me in sadness. 


It’s so easy to pretend to smile, harder to do the actual action. It seems so fake. I don’t want to be this way. So what can I do to change things?


It starts within myself. I have to try. There’s no other way. Why is this so hard? I used to have drive! Passion for what I’m doing. Now I’m just lost. Searching for something to propel me forward. 


Where did that joy go? I had it at the beginning of this. Now, it’s floating away, forever out of my reach. 


I hope that’s not so. I miss the happiness. Even if it only lasts for a little while. 


So I’ll seek out that genuine smile, hoping it comes in a true fashion, before it’s too late, and it disappears for always. 

Dreams? Or Nightmares?

Can I dream anymore? Am I capable of achieving this wish?

What exactly am I striving for? A situation much better than this. 


I’m not free to be myself. I’m trapped behind these walls. 


My heart, I’ve torn from my chest, and placed on a dark shelf. It’s in my head where the silence calls. 


It beckons me forward, to cease all thinking. 


Who’s hand am I leaning toward? The one I need or the one I want; I’m unsure of where this path is leading. 


My brain is teeming, with endless ideas, yet inside I’m screaming.


Lost in this hazy dream of a life, as torture comes from all sides. 


Inside, I’m tormented, with grief unknown. Where is this this growing sense of doubt coming from? 


Why does it seem like I’m the only one…here with this anger deep inside? 


What does it matter, if I’ve cried? Inside, I’m wary of becoming gone forever. 


I’ve weathered this storm for so long. How to remain strong, when things aren’t as they wish they’d be? 


How can I be myself when I’m not free? How do I get back to being just me?


The clouds have darkened, and the light is far from me. 


I don’t know when this first started, but I’m determined to figure things out. But it seems like the more I hope, the more nightmares I see. They’re covering, and swallowing me! 


This desert has consumed me, leaving me burning during the day, but frozen at night. 


I’m trying to describe the sheer agony my mind is becoming, with each step I take. Inside my body is shaking, my own personal earthquake. 


The dreams are so far away, and I can’t seem to reach them. My hands are stretching, hopeless to even grasp one. 


I’m left alone, with not a twitch of a smile on my face, my heart a shell of its former self. When will the love return? 


Can I begin to imagine how things will be different one day? That, I cannot say. 


For now, things are the way they are. I can’t change them, try as I might. 


Maybe I’m not supposed to. Maybe things will work out. I can only hope so. 

Feelings of Woe+Prayer

All I have are broken memories, shattered fragments of a life lived before this sadness engulfed me in a chaotic storm of monumental proportions. 

A shell of a mind that wishes to be anywhere else but here, trapped in this location that will never be home. 


Anywhere where I don’t feel the putrid agony or the silence that my brain has determined that I should embrace. 


It’s not my first choice of a place to want to be, but here I remain, unable to move forward. 


I don’t want to feel this way, but I’m helpless to stop this torment that wracks me with guilt of times where I didn’t try as hard as I could. 


Why must I continue to be here, where I hate my environment? 


The walls surround me in protection, but how safe am I really?


I know I’m not alone, but sometimes it feels like it. 


My misery is palpable, felt in every part of my spirit, causing a deep feeling a woe to permeate my very existence. 


My body is tired of keeping up pretenses, feeling abandoned by myself, like nothing I do matters. 


Do you know how this feels?


To be lost in a maze that’s only my mind? 


I open a door, and the tears pour forth, and I’m unable to stop them until they are all cried out. 


I hate depression because even when it’s gone, it always comes back, like a sad boomerang, that’s homed in to my current position, as my heart makes a big target sign that can’t be missed. 


It’s making me feel terrible, both about my situation, and about myself. 


My self-esteem has declined, where I used to be so confident, and now I’m just feeling down, like I can’t do anything right. 


I need to pray about this. That’s what I’m doing now. 


God, take away this sorrow, that has plagued me these many years. Keep me strong in my weakest times, and help me know that everything will be okay. I know You are in control, and despite my fears and worries, I know that You will keep me safe. I’m not happy with my current circumstances, but I’m happy to be alive to feel this way at all. You gave me this life, and I need to honor You, and keep Jesus in my heart. I have nothing without You in my life. I have everything with You in my life. My heart is broken, but I know You love me, and that You will bring me into a better place in Your time. I may not understand why I’m going through this, but I know You will keep me on the right path. I will choose to have faith, even when all hope seems lost. You created me, and I know You know what is best for me at all times. I won’t forget to praise You, and keep You close to my heart always. Thank you, Lord, for this opportunity to testify about my faith in You. I ask this in Christ’s name, Amen. 

Mini-Story: Writer’s Block

I gaze morosely out of the squares of my window, seeing my reflection mirrored, a steaming cup of hot chocolate in my hand. Water streams down over the panes of the glass as the rain assaults my house, coming down in buckets, accompanied by loud thunder and bright streaks of lightning. 

I take a sip of my beverage, glancing down at the desk in front of me. Before me lies an empty notebook, waiting to be filled with thoughts. There are scrunched up papers all around me on the floor, tossed carelessly aside because of the lack of material contained on their pages. I’m horrified at my several attempts to write, all unsuccessful. My potential has faded, leaving me alone with my writer’s block. I’ve only been digitally editing what I’ve already written. Where are the new ideas? Why haven’t they come to me yet? All I need is one! Is that so much to ask? Wake up, brain, and give me an idea. Get it together, mind, and show me how to do this. Stop hurting, heart, and love what you used to: the simple art of writing, creating something worthwhile. Move in sync, hand, and agree with the body for once! I can do this. I think. I have to try again. I hope I can. 


My typewriter is nearby, dust gathering on the letters. Has it really been that long since I wrote something? I feel so useless right now. My last piece; was it brilliant? Did it have untold value? Or was it empty and meaningless? Do I believe in what I wrote before? Right now, I’m not too sure of the answer to that question. I used to always strive to write beautiful pieces of art, each individual and unique, but lately my themes have been repetitive, and not quite so special. 


Where’s the fire that used to burn in my soul? My reason for inspiration is nowhere near me anymore. I’m lost without that to guide me. Has creativity fled forever from my hand? Will the words ever flow again? Will I always be tortured by the lack of true talent where there once was a wonderful, courageous mind?


I watch the rain splash on my window, lost in my musings as I put on some sweet, soft music. The melody surrounds me, leaving me relaxed, yet alert, capable of feeling beyond the normal. I’ve entered the state of simply being. 


I’m here, yet not here. Distantly aware of my actions, I place my cup of hot chocolate on the coaster on my desk. My spirit is hovering over my body, attempting to travel to another place and time. Hopefully I can go back to that place when writing was easier, when every word written and every sentence constructed wasn’t a struggle. I miss that place. I want to go back there, so badly. How do I transport myself there? 


My eyes are closed, shut tightly from the harsh reality that is threatening to consume me, telling me I’m no longer a writer. However, my mind is open to new ideas. None seem to be forthcoming, so I sit silently and wait to see what I will discover. I’m fighting that crippling, destructive thought with all that I have. I’ve always loved writing. I want to be a writer always. I can’t give up! It’s only the voice of doubt that’s haunting me, telling me it’ll never be, that I’ll always be nothing. I am something, I declare, with my words and thoughts, that message branded into my soul. 


Inside me, a battle rages, my brain arguing with my heart, neither one capable of defeating the other, while my hand remains clutching my ink pen tightly, hovering above my latest empty page, crinkles on the side of the page where I’ve ripped out the other pages, the ones where I couldn’t quite form a complete thought. 


How different is this? At least before, there were ideas. They weren’t perfectly structured, and intensely amazing, but they existed. Now, there’s just a deafening silence in my mind, as the rain pours outside, my ears catching the sharp sound of the drops pelting hard against my window. 


What can I possibly do to end this terrible cycle? Should I write down all these thoughts I’ve been having? Would they change my outlook on life in general? Would they give me hope of achieving great things during this life? I decide to try. I place the ink pen tip against the first line at the top of the page, and begin to write.

Untitled Pain

Why is my heart steeped in this misery? I thought the pain had fled, but thinking that, tis madness, complete and total insanity. 

The good never does last, the bad always comes back. I’m never free from the past, it always sees fit to attack. 


Why do my eyes leak infinitely with tears? I thought I was strong, but I’ve grown so much weaker over the years.


Why can’t I find an honest, loving man? I’m lost while I seek true love, trying to do the best that I can. 


I’m succeeding where I once failed before. My dreams are coming true, yet passing by at the same time, no longer is learning some chore. 


I desperately am seeking this wisdom openly, and I think I’m free, hopefully this is correct. When I’m done fighting the fear of failure, I’ll start out by being the best version of me. Just know, I haven’t given up yet. 

God and Jesus Love Me-A Song

Verse 1: I’ll never be that beautiful girl, flawless in her own skin. 

I’ve been myself since I came into this world, is that enough for each of my friends?


I don’t like this insecurity, berating me, baiting me at every turn. 


It’s like I’m lost amidst actual sanity, and I’ve yet to actually learn…anything. 


Dreams are rare, to ever come true. 


Sometimes I ask myself, does he really care? 


Or is he only concerned with himself and you?


You’re lucky to get his attention. I used to think I was his only. 


This isn’t even worth an honorable mention. 


All he does is leave me lonely.


We’re in the same space, but couldn’t be further apart. 


I can’t read his face, and I don’t understand his heart.


Chorus: And so I ask myself this: why we are together? This is worse than stormy weather. You’d think I’d know better, than to put my trust in his hands. He demands, and I respond, not in the way I should. I’m stronger without him, yet I remain here in this misery. 


Verse 2: But I know one man, who loves me unconditionally, the way I should be loved. 


With Him, I have my humility, and the grace that does abound within His Father up above. 


The man’s name is Jesus Christ, and He is all the love I need. 


His words are what I seek. 


He understands my every emotion, feeling and pain. 


When tears fall down like rain, in Him I remain, faithful and just. 


Having God and Jesus in my life, They are a must. 


So the next time I feel hurt or disappointed, I’ll remember who is in my heart.


It’s Jesus and God, and no one can separate me from Them, this is the beginning of a new start. 


I’ll be more smart, and ignore the same situations. 


I’ll reach up high and forget my aggravation. 


I’ll stand up tall, and feel this loving sensation, provided by my Creator, and His only begotten son.


I’ll remember that They are the only ones I need, within and without, inside and out. 


I’ll scream out loud, shout, praise, and sing, until in my life, I shall have no more suffering! 


Chorus: And so I ask myself this: why we are together? This is worse than stormy weather. You’d think I’d know better, than to put my trust in his hands. He demands, and I respond, not in the way I should. I’m stronger without him, yet I remain here in this misery.


Verse 3: Yet now I know better. God and Jesus are the constant, and the man is naught but a variable. 


He will always change, but They are just always and forever. 


They will hold me up, in my darkest times, and I will honor Them with more and more of these rhymes. Until my faith is proclaimed, to be righteous completely. 


I want to be the best I can. 


And for that, I don’t need any man, to tell me who I should be.


It’s God who controls my destiny. 


No longer is it in my hands, now I do what the Lord commands. 

Be strong in faith, and never surrender my happiness. He gave it, and only He can take it, so these words I sing, because it’s so obvious, I now know, by Him I am blessed.